| Author | Message | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 555 Registered: 10-2005 |
Genesis of a Poet, Chapters I-III I. God wrote all over me in some code, years of it layered like leaves, a book of transparent meanings I wear like skin on skin. None of it brings me shame -from the sound a basketball makes in my driveway, to the bend of the Joshua trees on the cliffs overlooking the pacific- I could have put pennies on my eyes once I’d seen them and forgotten all else, their permanent lean, wind scarred and wise, curvature of the rounded woman I hoped I would one day be. II. Don’t frown at me from my past, I drank with you and showed you all my best tricks, melted into your crevasses. I could have read you like a raised map climbed you like a pyramid I was willing to do that for you- be the cone under your ice-cream, the glass around your drink, worlds collided when you lit your match and I went up like sulfur smoke. III. My life is like a cock-fight, feathers flying, and the blood pooling in the dirt over nothing. The men make wagers, strut and scuff as if they earned the purple coats and the winner’s ribbons. All I’ve ever done is sit in the back row and take notes. I’ve never even slammed my money down or called attention to this emptiness in me. I cluck away in silence clawing letters, trailing puzzle prints in patterns across a fine layer of sawdust. ~~~~~~~~~~~ (thanks T for taking out my parts in ch2-L3) (On title- I think I meant to call this Genesis of a Poet) (Thanks M for bounce it and cone under) (Message edited by lazarus on December 27, 2005) “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 384 Registered: 01-2005 |
Lazarus, I've read this through many times and always seem to "see" something new. Very well written!! A poem to be remembered. My single nit is with this line: melted my parts into your crevasses. If this were mine I'd leave off "my parts" --I feel that is implied. Kudos for a wonderful poem! Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 556 Registered: 10-2005 |
Teresa- Thanks for the feedback. I've worked that line so many ways, and there you have it, the perfect answer! Thanks for that. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed.  “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2463 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laz I really enjoyed, especially 1. I believe this stands alone as a poem (first line superb) and that the other 2 belong together as a separate piece. I know you want to connect this but the voice in 1 has a different feel than 2 and 3. I think the pairing of the others with it, detracts from 1 IMHO. Others may disagree. E | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 561 Registered: 10-2005 |
Agh! I DO want them to connect! But I see your point. What if I write more of these in other kinds of voices!!! I'm always regenerating. (edited because I'm ok now. No more need to bang my head and besides... E is away now...) (Message edited by lazarus on December 27, 2005) “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2831 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lazarus, enjoyed these. I like your idea of writing a series of them in different voices! K | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6142 Registered: 11-1998 |
Enjoyed this series very much, Lazarus. Just a few things I noticed: "-from the sound a basketball makes in my driveway when you bounce it," I think "when you bounce it" is already understood and need not be said. I mean, what other kind of sound could a basketball make? I assumed it was the bounce sound from this alone, "from the sound a basketball makes / in my driveway." "I was willing to do that for you- be the ice-cream on your cone, the glass around your drink," I very much enjoyed the thought of being the glass around the drink. I would probably turn the prior phrase to match that ingenuity. In other words, this: "I was willing to do that for you- be the cone on your ice cream, the glass around your drink," Perhaps these are a couple of points you'd want to ponder. Just personal suggestions, of course, and others might disagree. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 575 Registered: 10-2005 |
M-How very ingenious of you, the cone on your ice cream! or perhaps under to fit the location more exactly. Great idea. Thanks for catching 'when you bounce it' too. Sure, that's heard without that. Very good. I wanted this to be trim and move fast, so that's a help. I'm glad you liked the series, it was fun to do and rather cathartic- thinking about being a poet is half the battle of being one I think! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3556 Registered: 07-2003 |
Have enjoyed watching these take shape, your thinking about being a poet, reminds me how it's so different same poet at different times and between poets, well done.BTW Love the end lines.  | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 582 Registered: 10-2005 |
Zephyr- Thanks for your comments. "...it's so different same poet at different times and between poets." It is different. Everything is different all the time really, that's my personal philosophy, we only delude ourselves into thinking anything stays, or ever is, the same! My doubt about this series of poems is that it's just TOO much- like all desert and no dinner. I could probably take any three of these lines and write a whole poem for it if I was in the right mood, then maybe I'd have something people could digest.*thinking out loud here, don't mind me* Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2469 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laz I'm peaking in on you from San Miguel. This is really primo poetry. Did you make substantive changes to 2 and 3. Luv it. Gotta run hon. E | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 667 Registered: 10-2005 |
E- It's so nice of you to drop in! No, I did not make any changes, maybe your perspective changed since you've been in Mexico! We miss you much around here. Get home safe, you've got a lot of reading to catch up on! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 447 Registered: 08-2004 |
Laz! This is just so damn wonderful. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 673 Registered: 10-2005 |
Karen- I thought maybe I went too far in this poem. I wanted to put in EVERYTHING! I'm so glad you enjoyed. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 457 Registered: 08-2004 |
Ah, Laz- I know what you mean. But, really, this is just wonderful as is.. there are soooo many more poems in you, and I look forward to all of them. Lucky me!! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 674 Registered: 10-2005 |
I'd like to find out from anyone who might be around to let me know which title you like: Poetic Genesis, Chapters I-III or Genesis of a Poet, Chapters I-III I feel that the first one is a little cold, but it has style. The second has more heart but is a bit boring. Any thoughts? Also I'm taking out one 'you' in the second verse because there seems to be a deluge of them: II. Don’t frown at me from my past, I drank with you and showed you all my best tricks, melted into your crevasses. I could have read you like a raised map climbed you like a pyramid I was willing to do that [for you]- be the cone under your ice-cream, the glass around your drink, worlds collided when you lit your match and I went up like sulfur smoke. Thanks anyone for the help! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 460 Registered: 08-2004 |
Laz, I like- Genesis of a Poet, Chapters I-III And agree with your edit as well. Very nice. (((smile))) Karen aka- Anyone |
